The beach is deserted. There are no boaters, no sunbathers, no children. One lone sandcastle seems to be quite frosted over. No one goes to the beach in February, except people like me, who just need to get away and think for a while.
The funeral was this morning - my new black stilettos lie discarded in the sand. Somehow I keep going from laughing to crying....it all pretty much ends up going out again with the tide.
Dylan was beautiful, like you wouldn't imagine. With my eyes I could see a precious baby, and I always wanted so badly to believe that there was no way I could love him any more. You have to understand that -from the very beginning I set out to love him.
It was me that was the problem. Before Dylan was even born, I let myself believe it was all a mistake. There were nights and nights of trying to think our way out of the situation - or informing God through pursed lips that the days were ticking by and he was running out of time to fix this mess he's made.
Then - that morning I held him in my arms for the first time. Tears ran down my face, how could I not love this baby? I knew then he'd be a part of our family forever. God, I cried, look what's happened to my life! You created this child and sent him just to break our hearts! But I loved Dylan that day.
I never fully imagine what we would go through in the years to come. Doctor's visits, surgeries, special training and equipment. I loved Dylan even more as time went by, but I loved him because he needed me. I would hold him and kiss his hair, and wonder why God couldn't send us a blond, blue eyed little boy who could run and sing and feed himself. In those moments I remember hating myself for those thoughts.
Two years ago Dylan got sick. As hour after day after week after month passed, I knelt in prayer at Dylan's bedside every single night, I held a sweet baby in my arms again and as I looked down at him through thick tears I asked God what he wanted of my life. For the first time I was seeing beyond the realm of my own bitterness.
I found angels to guide me there, and I became closer to Jesus during those weeks than I have ever been before. Dylan did get better, and we received wonderful feedback from the doctors. At last God, I see what you planned for us! You brought me through this illness to grow closer to you and to my family. What a wonderful gift you sent us in Dylan!
Fast forward now to exactly one month ago. I had just finished my evening Bible Study and was complacently mulling over the great blessings of life when God reached into my world one last time. Fueled by rage and addiction, the life of my greatest friend was taken by her own father in a tragedy that led to a nationally publicized trial and investigation.
Very little seemed to happen in the following hours as I lost control of myself altogether. Just as the sun rose over the windowsill, I heard the faint whimper beside me. There was Dylan, with his arms around me. That tiny angel had carried me through the night. It was in that moment that God showed me what love looked like.
Dylan's job was done, and God brought him safely home two days ago. God, in his great wisdom, didn't send me visions or dreams or talking donkeys, he sent me one beautiful, perfect boy named Dylan who knew the meaning of love.
It was me that was the problem. Before Dylan was even born, I let myself believe it was all a mistake. There were nights and nights of trying to think our way out of the situation - or informing God through pursed lips that the days were ticking by and he was running out of time to fix this mess he's made.
Then - that morning I held him in my arms for the first time. Tears ran down my face, how could I not love this baby? I knew then he'd be a part of our family forever. God, I cried, look what's happened to my life! You created this child and sent him just to break our hearts! But I loved Dylan that day.
I never fully imagine what we would go through in the years to come. Doctor's visits, surgeries, special training and equipment. I loved Dylan even more as time went by, but I loved him because he needed me. I would hold him and kiss his hair, and wonder why God couldn't send us a blond, blue eyed little boy who could run and sing and feed himself. In those moments I remember hating myself for those thoughts.
Two years ago Dylan got sick. As hour after day after week after month passed, I knelt in prayer at Dylan's bedside every single night, I held a sweet baby in my arms again and as I looked down at him through thick tears I asked God what he wanted of my life. For the first time I was seeing beyond the realm of my own bitterness.
I found angels to guide me there, and I became closer to Jesus during those weeks than I have ever been before. Dylan did get better, and we received wonderful feedback from the doctors. At last God, I see what you planned for us! You brought me through this illness to grow closer to you and to my family. What a wonderful gift you sent us in Dylan!
Fast forward now to exactly one month ago. I had just finished my evening Bible Study and was complacently mulling over the great blessings of life when God reached into my world one last time. Fueled by rage and addiction, the life of my greatest friend was taken by her own father in a tragedy that led to a nationally publicized trial and investigation.
Very little seemed to happen in the following hours as I lost control of myself altogether. Just as the sun rose over the windowsill, I heard the faint whimper beside me. There was Dylan, with his arms around me. That tiny angel had carried me through the night. It was in that moment that God showed me what love looked like.
Dylan's job was done, and God brought him safely home two days ago. God, in his great wisdom, didn't send me visions or dreams or talking donkeys, he sent me one beautiful, perfect boy named Dylan who knew the meaning of love.
2 comments:
That's so sadly beautiful that I think I'm going to cry. Did you write it? Where did you come up with the idea for the story?
~Ellentia
Yep, I wrote it. I wasn't trying to make anybody cry though. I have no idea where this came from!
~JCP
Post a Comment